Breaking Generational Cycles & Leading Your Legacy with Alyn Caley

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This is the place where women just like you create wealth from the inside out.

Right.

I am so excited to be back today.

I have a really special guest, Aylin Kelly.

Aileen Kelly is a really special person because I met her through another friend and then she came to speak at Here for More Live and I got to meet her in person.

She's also someone that like Costa Rica just keeps calling her back home.

And one of those, those women that really get that Costa Rica is this energy vortex, a calling of like, there's something here for me and their sacred lessons in the land of the pura vida.

Aland is a transformational coach and international speaker.

shop at Here for more Live in: 2024

She, she mentors visionary women to break cycles, to heal core wounds and has a big mission.

I'm really excited to introduce you to her today and I can't wait to see where this conversation goes.

Thank you, Amber.

I'm so excited to be here.

I always love for me because I know, like, we got to know each other a little bit here in Costa.

But your story, like, how did you get on this path and what was like the trigger that activated this big mission?

Yeah, I love telling the story because a lot of times when I tell people, like, I don't believe that there's so many twists and turns.

Well, it really started, I mean, from childhood.

I grew up in a Sicilian family.

I grew up in a retreat center living in church property.

My family, my mother and father were Christian counselors and retreat leaders.

And because of the proximity to the church and because of the big family that I lived in.

I don't know if you know a lot about Italians culturally, but it's emotions are not something that are taught to be expressed, to be shared.

And so I learned at a very young age that my life was to be under a microscope.

And I also internalized this knowing that something, something must be wrong with me because I was being shamed for these natural emotions I was feeling growing up, these natural thought patterns of growing up and Wanting to fit in.

And on top of that, my grandmother, who had an eating disorder, always kind of commented on my body.

That was just like the natural thing.

And so again, I learned at a young age that in order to be loved, seen, and accepted, I had to put on a mask.

And so I wore different masks throughout my life that created this internal chaos, this internal conflict, these toxic patterns and adaptive behaviors that really stem from these core wounds that were cultivated as a young age.

At a young age, I wore the mask of an eating disorder, which I carried with me for 15 years.

The story of embodied generational smallness, of thin equals value, thin equals beauty, thin equals worthiness.

And so I carried that for a long time.

I also put on the party mask, the party girl mask of if I party all the time and I have this like, free spirit of like, I'm the festival chick and I'm the concert chick, and I'm the one that's willing to do any and all drugs and sleep around because I'm so empowered, which was not empowering to me, but was this need for external validation and this need to fill this void of, of love within me, then I would just be accepted and valuable.

And I carried all of these up until I was about 24 years old when I was managing a restaurant and I was locked myself in the.

In the mop closet.

I had tears in one hand and a giant margarita in the next.

And I had a full blown drug addiction.

And I just looked at myself and I was like, this can't be my life.

I'm going to die if I do not make a change.

So I sold everything that I owned.

I moved to an island in the Caribbean, which probably looking back, wasn't the best option because there was no rules and there was an ample supply of drugs.

But I believe that everything is divinely timed.

And that's really where I started to begin cultivating this mind, body, connection and realization that there is more outside of this need for external validation.

There's more within me.

My soul has a desire to express something externally.

A purpose, a mission.

And so I decided to keep it moving, keep this transformational journey, continue to heal.

And I heard this inner nudge from, from God after reading this book by Paolo Coelho called Pilgrimage to go walk 500 miles solo on the Camino de Santiago.

And so I packed a bag full of 10 pounds of my belongings and I took five weeks to really come home to God, come home to love, to come home to the remembrance of the truth of who, my who, my soul was calling me to be who I was birthed in this world, to embody, and the mission and the intention that I was seeking to express in this world through my giftedness.

And it took a couple years for me really to go down the journey to get to a place of healing and inner child reparenting and sobriety.

I'm five years clean now and healing from my eating disorder, but it really kind of morphed into this.

Into this mission of leading your legacy, of breaking these core wounds, to be the first person in your lineage to do things differently, to birth descendants, to birth your mission, to be the creatrix of your life and to create a new way, create a ripple effect in this world.

It's going to uplevel consciousness.

And not just that, but to heal your lineage from before you, to give them a voice.

So that's where I'm at right now.

And it's something that is so near and dear to my heart.

And so thank you for giving me a platform to be able to share my story.

Yeah, I love that so much because all that which you shared is.

Is really relatable in this w mask.

I think wearing pandemic of really, like, who do I need to be to be liked and to be approved and by the family?

And then breaking the lineage.

I always say, like, turning the wounds to wisdom and the wisdom to become the wealth.

And a lot of people talk about, you know, making big money, but it's like, where does that big money go?

And that is legacy.

It's like, how can you really create something where you aren't.

You made a really good point of, like, you aren't just healing yourself, but you're healing the children that you're bringing into the world, and you're healing the past with the smallness and going through the different decades of, like, what was beautiful for a woman and the wounds that our grandmothers and our great grandmothers carried and how they had to use men to open up bank accounts and use men to get approval, to be like.

To have this, like, one role.

And I think that we're in a new generation where it's like the.

The legacy that we are creating and the work that we are, the inner work that we are doing is healing not just now or the future, but also going backwards.

And something beautiful that I heard from a mentor one time is that our grandparents chose us.

They chose us to do this and be that voice.

And it's not an easy path.

And I totally wore the mask of being small.

The mask of, like, Partying and going to all the music festivals and like hiding from all the drugs and.

And there is that moment, you know, you're looking in the mirror and you're like, who the heck am I and what do I want?

And it is just fascinating to, to hear your story and to meet the person on the other side.

And I know you say five years sober, which is incredible.

I also know that you have a toddler who you're raising too, and it's like raising him to be a man and one day to be a husband and maybe a father.

And that's not an easy role either.

And so I'm curious for you, five years sober, you've been on this big mission for some time.

How did that shift from doing it as a maiden to a mother?

That's a great question.

Because my pregnancy was not planned.

So I'd always felt that I wanted to birth this mission in the world.

Initially, I started as a self love and body image and confidence coach and that kind of morphed into to retreat leader.

But I never had this vision of having a child.

And so there was always a part of me that felt like something was missing.

I always felt like there was a disconnect in what I was birthing into this world for some reason.

Like there was a piece of me, a piece of the puzzle that didn't quite make sense.

And when I got pregnant, all of these what ifs and all of this fear began to arise in me.

I had a really difficult pregnancy.

I experienced prenatal depression, which really talk about a lot.

And then once I gave birth, I went into postpartum psychosis.

And again during this pregnancy and after this pregnancy, another mass kind of began to unfold.

It was this bounce back culture, this push force.

Do I believe that I had to show up in my business when really what my heart and my soul and my body was saying was to rest, to lean into motherhood, to lean into a support system, to cultivate your community, your tribe, to be able to create this empowered and environment around you when I just wasn't doing that.

And when you have children, you understand that it completely breaks you.

It strips you down and removes all the things you're not meant to be.

To reveal who you are supposed to show up as, to arrive as, to be birthed yourself into this world as.

And it was really uncomfortable.

I have never met my edge so much as I have being in pregnancy.

Because there's parts of you that feel like I really miss that maiden season of my life.

And I'll even think about this now of like, man, like, I'll never not have a kid ever again.

And I'm so blessed to have a child, and he's the love of my life.

But there's parts of me, too, that are like, wow, what would my life like if I didn't have this child?

But again, everything happens for a divine reason.

And being a mom has been the greatest gift because it has completely, like I said, dissolved any of those pieces and parts of me and integrated them into my life.

Now that are no longer meant for me.

I am who I was always called to be as a mother.

And the beauty in this ever evolving role as mom, as Creatrix is now I get to see in.

In real time these cycles and these patterns being broken down with my son.

I'm seeing how my son will be the first individual within my lineage to not experience fighting and glasses breaking and this constant talk about money and this fear of money and this core woundedness of scarcity and lack.

My son will be the first person who's able to talk about his emotions, the first to talk about how anger is safe, how anger is sacred, how anger is holy, and how to move through that, how to use your body to be able to express your emotions.

And it has completely transformed my business because instead of kind of showing up in my business as self from self, I'm showing up from this place of embodied divine wisdom, of who I was always meant to be.

And the creativity that's kind of evolving and opening up as a result is something that I had never expected.

And I.

It's something that's so far removed from me that I could never have expected, respected this.

When I think about the work that I'm doing in this world and the ripple effect it's going to have, I envision the centuries of individuals and human consciousness in this world that's going to be affected because of this work and because of how my son is going to show up in this world and who he's going to impact and affect.

And so I kind of take myself out of it and I use myself as kind of a sacred vessel to be able to say, all right, God, how do you want to use me today?

Let me serve.

How do you want me to show up for others?

Where can I continue to evolve and grow so that I can live so deeply and anchored and embodied in this purpose that I remove myself from this situation and I'm just this space to be used?

And I think that's been one of the biggest shifts that I've noticed in my life, especially as being a mom.

And it's not to say days aren't hard.

There's days where I want to scream.

There's days that I want to cry all day.

My husband and I almost got divorced.

There's days where I just want to be honest, like drop kick my son and my husband, but which is completely normal, having all of these feelings.

But, you know, I think that's beauty of motherhood, too.

It's like you can live in the end.

You can live in the end of anger, shame, fear, sadness.

And you can also live in the joy and the evolution and the embodiment.

So it's been such an incredible gift, and we're thinking about having another one this year.

So I can't even wait to see what's going to be birthed through me then as well.

Yeah.

And I think it's so powerful just speaking to the different layers of motherhood.

And like you said, so many things that aren't talked about.

And the hormonal changes that a mother goes through being pregnant and then afterwards and then through breastfeeding and being that example for children of what are healthy emotions.

And that healthy emotions are okay.

You know, my son always asks, mommy, are you angry?

Why are you angry?

Mommy, are you sad?

Why are you sad?

And really being able to, like, pinpoint, like, why we're sad and how we're expressing.

And he's so sweet because he always, when I'm crying, he brings me a toy to, like, make me feel better.

And I think what's really cool about men is, like, letting them, like boys that will become men is, like, letting them feel safe and all of those emotions.

And that's a huge legacy break.

I mean, my grandfather didn't tell my dad he loved him until my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

And this was after my grandfather had already lost his daughter to cancer.

So when my dad died, my grandfather, every time he spoke to us, he told us he loved us.

And it was like just this huge shift of, like, men actually being able to express how they're feeling and how it's like, can it really be death that shifts us to share that?

But also now, like, as you were sharing, becoming a mother and being an example for your child of it's okay to experience these things.

And I also love too, that you spoke to, like, the almost divorce.

I remember seeing your real on this, and I experienced that last year going through hormonal changes that, like, no one talks about.

But every time you have a baby the hormones that change inside of you shift.

And so I just like, he smelled bad when he kissed me, I got angry, I felt rage.

And I was like, what is happening?

How am I gonna.

And that was like my biggest fear, right?

Like, I don't want to do what my parents did.

Like, if we get divorced, like, what won't.

What.

How will that affect my son?

I remember like my son's about to be three and that's when my parents got divorced.

And like, it's one of the times like when I do inner child healing, I always see my three year old girl, like she is so like traumatized from that experience.

And yet, like, if divorce happens, I pray that we can, we can do it differently and be, be better examples of like, what separation would be.

But for you, I'm curious, in the work that you're doing, and I know you do play a lot with core wounding, how do you see that showing up in motherhood?

Because I know when I say certain things or I react in certain ways, I'm like, oh, that was my mom.

Oh, that was my dad.

Ah, you know, I catch myself.

And it is just like becoming aware of the habits that I still carry or the pattern, like, because you were saying, it's like it's layers deep.

And becoming a mother, I get to see how those parenting things arrive in my parenting now, but I'm also aware of it.

So I'm like, okay, next time, how can I do it differently?

But I'm curious for you, like in the direction of core wounding, like, how do you see that show up as a mother?

Yeah.

Oh gosh, there's just so much.

There's so much.

One thing that I've noticed a lot is when.

So my son's getting to the age he's almost three, like your son three in March.

Well, like we'll go to the playground and I'll see this safety, like need for safety and for me to like almost be like this hyper vigilant mom when he's around other children because you want to keep your kids safe.

And I have this need for control.

And I've there's been a couple times where there's been kids who are not so nice to him.

And I have gone into.

It's not even like full mother bear, it's like my inner little child where like I'll almost want to react.

And there's been a couple times, I'm gonna be honest, where I've said not nice things to other little children who are being to my son or Like I passive aggressively like, said something in earshot of the kid and his mom to be like, to show them how not nice it was.

But I'll have to take a step back because again, that's not how I want my son to react and be like, wow, that's not, not actually conscious present aen, that's inner little child who just got dropped off at a new school in first grade and her parents just dipset and she's sitting in the schoolyard not knowing anyone and just people are not being nice to her.

And so recognizing those patterns is really important.

Also looking at like, then this need for control again, of how like, it's so hard for me to, to deal with chaos and mess.

And when my son, you know, takes out toys and wants to play, how I just have this instant need like my mom for everything to be perfect, to constantly clean it up.

And I don't want my child to ever feel like he has to people please in order to receive love or that chaos or not or not chaos, but messiness somehow is bad.

And so he has to be perfect and he has to have anxiety around it.

And also in the beginning, when I kind of felt separated and disconnected from him as a result of my postpartum psychosis, this constant need to be like, do you love me?

Do you love me?

Do you love me?

It is not our child's job to love us, right?

We are here to show them unconditional love and give them the, the tools and the skill sets to be able to go out into this world and be empowered and share their emotions and not feel like they have to hold themselves back and carry the wisdom that we're teaching them as parents.

And we do the best that I can, but it is not their job to, to love us.

And so I've noticed that I kind of project that inner fear of not feeling good enough, never being told that I was good enough growing up onto my son.

And so I think the power in understanding core woundedness and inner child reparenting is awareness.

It's recognizing, okay, I don't need to shame myself here for feeling these things.

But now that I'm hyper aware of this, how do I get to shift the narrative behind it?

And also too, something that's really empowering is instead of kind of repressing it and kind of navigating it on my own, I in, in language that a two and a half, three year old can understand, I'm able to express him why I feel that way.

And so again, like you were Talking about when you're angry, your son, Your son gives you a toy.

Me being able to say, say thank you.

Mommy's upset.

Like me being able to say, thank you so much for.

For helping me.

Mommy's upset because sometimes X, Y and Z.

So showing them, too, that it is okay to experience these certain things, and here's why it's okay.

But here's what we can do next to be able to move through them, to process them.

And that's where shame dissolves.

We all carry shame because what shame really is is this fear of being seen.

Because if we are seen as who we truly are, then we won't be loved.

Love will be taken away from us.

And so you're able to dissolve shame.

And they're able to recognize that this is normal.

It's okay to feel this way.

And that affects how they consciously relate to others growing up and how they serve in this world and especially as men.

Giving them the tools to be able to express themselves, it helps them really anchor into this powerful skill set of leadership that the masculine craves without a need to fix or change.

But to just be a space holder, to be a.

An anchor and to be able to go out in an empowered way and share in this world, to uplift human consciousness and others.

So that's been something that's really been powerful.

And I think the biggest takeaway here is awareness of what those core wounds are.

And not only shaming myself, giving myself grace to be like, wow, like you are being your mom right now.

You're literally trying to clean up everything, and you're causing more chaos in your own life because Your kid is 3 years old.

He's gonna take out toys every 10 minutes.

So, like, allow yourself some grace.

Allow yourself to live in the mess, because it's not going to change for a couple years.

So just sit with it and that's okay.

Yeah.

I love this so much because that's.

That's the power, right?

It's like the first layer is the awareness of it.

And then like in meditation, the space between thoughts gets longer.

Hunger and your ability to shift your behaviors, it's not going to happen overnight, but you're aware of how it comes.

And that's what I really witnessed is there was so much of my life that I wanted to eliminate these core wounds, thinking, like, I've done so much work.

Why are you still here?

But realizing that they were going to come up in many different dynamics because it's like there's so many layers of the onion that you get to heal.

And what I noticed is like some key core wounds, like they would show up in relationships with my partners, then relationship with my friends and relationship with my child.

And then it started showing up in my business and I was like, hey, what are you doing here?

Like, and then I was like, oh no, this is just part of who I am.

And it's another part that I get to heal and constantly become aware of rather than what you were saying, like shaming it or pushing it down, but being able to hold space for that part of you that experience something that like, it lives in your body.

And so any relationship that you have, it continues to like be there and be present.

But.

But then when you become aware of it, you get to choose like how much you let it control you rather than like rewiring how it affects you.

I'm curious for you.

In your evolution, right, you talked about like, this is where you started, this is where you've evolved to and like this is where you are now.

I think that is for anybody.

So many entrepreneurs that I work with in the beginning, they're like, what's the thing?

How did you know it was the thing?

It's like you start with this thing and then as you grow and evolve, it becomes this thing.

And then as you grow, evolve, it becomes this thing.

It's an ever ending journey.

What would you say to someone right now who is becoming aware of these core wounds and seeing it like arise and it's like the awareness of it, like, what, what tips would you give them to be able to like become aware of the core wound and release the shame around it as they're like evolving in their life?

Yeah, it's a great question.

So this is something that you and I are always on the same page on.

Is embodiment.

My life radically shifted when I created the spaciousness to not only get clear on the vision and intention that I wanted for my life, but to, to.

But to be able to sit with it in stillness.

We live in a world of movement, of hypervigilance, of go first, push, force, do.

And there's rarely time to just be still and silent, to listen the what the divine wisdom within us is saying.

So what God's saying, what our intuition is saying.

And then we get so angry that we can't hear the thing, or we don't fully understand our purpose, or we're so frustrated because we can't move this thing that is holding us back.

It's because we're not making the time to be able to do that so I made a commitment to myself.

And I hate when individuals say I don't have time.

We make time for the things that matter.

For us there is always time, right?

Think about how much you spend scrolling on your phone or disassociating by just sitting on the couch doing nothing.

We have time for the things that matter.

And what's more important than caring for yourself and excavating this innate wisdom of your purpose in this world, right?

So I made a commitment to clear my sacred vessel of all the noise, all the chaos, right?

Because every day our brain is spit firing because of what we receive in this world and what we output in this world.

And so I made a commitment to cultivate a really powerful daily embodiment practice.

So what this looks like for me because I have a child is I'm not going to have the time to do this during the day.

So I need to commit to do this in the morning.

So I wake up at 5 or 6am Even when I'm exhausted because I know that self love is, is really like being able to fill the cup you pour from.

And I do 15 minutes of breath work, 15 minutes of meditation.

And then for me I do a devotional, I get in the Bible, I pray.

And the more I more I've done that, not only has it allowed my nervous system to just really chill in those moments of trigger of chaos, I have this hyper awareness around what is arising, the why behind it.

And not only that, but I have the skill set to be able to process and release the emotional tension behind these adaptive patterns that I've cultivated versus keeping the frozen emotions repressed and stuck in my body.

Which not only causes dis ease within your body, but continues to create and cultivate these patterns that you've lived under for so long.

If you want to break core wounds, get still, get silence, silent, connect to your inner child, do meditation, learn how to come back to your breath.

Because when you do that you are learning how to embody your essence, your true nature, your beingness.

95% of our day is lived in our thoughts.

But what if you could tip the scales where you are actually living more in your body, which is the connection to God, your emotions and your intuition versus living in the thought patterns that are arising from past behaviors.

We carry trauma within our body for up to nine generations and that creates adaptive behaviors and that creates patterns.

And so what if you're able to sit with all that arises and clear that away, dissolve that to leave room to be able to receive being in the Feminine is receivership.

It's, it's surrender, it's softness, it's ease, it's flow, it's embodying the creatrix energy whether you have a womb or not, whether you have kids or not, right.

And also being able from that place to sit with your empowered nature, that fiery desire within, to go out and to, to birth your mission into this world.

It's this juxtaposition of both.

And if you do not create the space to sit with all that is and to be able to excavate and to release and process and have the tools to be able to be with those densities, with all of those fears that arise, then you're not going to be able to sit with the actual inspiration and creativity that arises within you when you have that clear vessel.

And I know this is something that you are.

So it's so important to you as well.

And it's such a game changer.

And even if it's for 10 minutes and people seem to think you have to have this epic routine.

Before kids, I had like a two hour morning routine.

Now I have a half hour because I have to, but that half hour is mine.

And when it comes to like breath work, you can be in the car and you can connect to your breath, right?

You can set your, you know, go to bed 15 minutes early and do a midnight or a before bed meditation.

It's all about making a commitment, taking yourself out of it, having this high level bird's eye view of when I make this commitment to myself in this way, how can, how is it going to impact the generations to come?

And if I don't make this commitment to sit with all that is and understand the true nature of who I am, how is that going to impact generations to come?

Because when we're on our deathbed, we're not going to look at, you know, all the things that we're going to look at all the things that we didn't do and say, wow, I wish I had more time.

You can't buy time.

And so it needs to start today.

And that's the biggest encouragement that I would encourage people is find a routine that works for you.

There's not one size that fits all.

But begin to sit with yourself and create nervous system resiliency, inner child connection, connection to something greater than yourself and learn how to embody that energy in your everyday life.

And you are going to experience massive shifts.

Yeah, I love that so much because it's something that I say often.

It's like we have so much time in the day, it's like what are you, are you prioritizing?

And when you really get clear.

I used to as a self love coach, I used to have my clients track their time and it's insane because you're right, like money doesn't matter if you don't have time.

Like if you don't have time to enjoy the wealth that you're creating or the life that you're building, then what the heck is the point with money?

And I think that's why a lot of people resist the desire for money because they see what wealthy used to look like compared to like what wealthy could look like today.

And yeah, the holy sacred time of just sitting and being in the emotions, it's the most uncomfortable thing that you could do.

But it's like literally the only way to process through.

And I always say like that's where my greatest downloads come through the deepest healing arises.

And being able to be uncomfortable I think is a gift that we can cultivate through the creation and devotion to a holy sacred practice.

And that it can look so many different ways.

For some people it's walking.

For some people it's surfing.

For some people it's breath work.

And I've even been like such a strict, like you said two hours a day.

I used to do two hours a day and it had to be this even if my body was screaming tired and it's like no, the art of listening is something that is way greater than it being one certain way.

And so finding that your ability to sit with it.

I also found like I know you can relate to this being a better mother and wife.

If I don't have that time, I'm more short tempered, I'm more on the rocks.

I'm more like, I don't have patience with my two and a half, you know, three year old toddler who he doesn't listen but like he actually can't listen yet.

Like it, he doesn't have the brain capacity, the, it's not there.

And so if I don't have that sacred time for me, but, but it's even for you having it for yourself, right?

It's like if you don't sit and have those moments with you, you don't have the same pat like compassion and kindness and care for you as you move throughout the day as a human being moving through human emotions and riding the waves of like someone cutting you off and all.

We could go through all of the things that happen that we don't have control over throughout the day.

But, but the awareness of and the ability to sit within all that you feel is such a powerful tool and gift.

And yeah, Aylin, I know that we could sit here and talk all day long, but for those that are listening, where can they come find you?

Learn more about your work and follow along on your journey.

Yeah.

So you can follow me on Instagram at Aylin Kaylee, same thing on Facebook at Aylinkayle.

And then my website is aylinkayle.com.

Amazing.

We will put all of those in the show notes.

Be sure to run and follow her on Instagram right now.

She has amazing reels and content out there and I know some programs.

And she's also a retreat leader and does private retreats as well.

So thank you, Aen.

And we'll talk to you on the next episode.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.